Monday, June 4, 2012

Marriage and Self Reflection

Sebenarnya waktu pergi The Gardens haritu plan asal memang nak makan korean food lepastu blah sebab bila umur dah menginjak senja ni memang dah tak berapa reti nak melepak lama-lama. Tapi a friend of mine came with a shocking news.

He is getting married. (or actually planning to get married)

Bukannya nak kahwin lagi 2 minggu ke hape, planning je baru. Kira agak-agak lepas dah grad bolehlah terus melangkah ke alam pernikahan gitu. Again, mungkin sebab faktor umur yang semakin meningkat bila decide to declare/ have a serious relationship terus bermatlamat ke arah perkahwinan. Sebab by the time grad insyaallah umur dah 25-26,kalau nak bercinta monyet takde matlamat sumpah membazir duit,emosi dan pahala. Jadi perancangan yang jitu itu sungguh penting ya puan-puan.

Walaupun plan nak kahwin ni bagi sesetengah orang biasa je, but since this is coming from a friend who neglected his fish tank after a few months, kept a pet bird for a week and briefly took interest in gardening...it was shocking at first. Maka haruslah post mortem keputusan berani ini dengan lebih mendalam. Lunch korean food ditunda ke tea time untuk memberi laluan sesi meluahkan perasaan di Dome.


It was during this time that i had an epiphany. My friend could've been in a manic-depressive state but he is totally right. Tak lama lagi dah nak start kerja, dah busy, and we are getting older. I really need to get my shit together and grow up. 

-in the middle of explaining my non existent future plan

The fact that people our age ramai gila kahwin/tunang musim cuti sekolah ini menambahkan kegusaran di jiwa. We sat there for quite a while talking about marriage and future plans , something i always try to steer clear of in daily conversations. 

But since one of us was in a lovey dovey mood, lepas habis minum dekat Dome we proceed to....



-yep. kedai pinggan mangkuk dan kedai wedding cake. Hovercraft gila nak kawen lagi 2 taun dah survey harga kek. 

I dont know why lah suddenly it seems like semua orang bercakap pasal kahwin. My grandfather who reminded me to focus on my studies prior to my departure to Ireland sekarang siap tanya 'kamu bila nak kahwin?' no less than 6 times. Dalam hierarki sepupu, i've 3 elder cousins above me so in a way it's like Atuk is urging me to step over 3 benduls -___-" Bawak bersabar dulu Tok.

And i've been doing a lot of self reflection lately. Dalam Psychiatry ada belajar tentang Erik Erikson Developmental Stages. 



Perjalanan hidup kita ni dibahagi kepada beberapa stages, so kalau kita tak berjaya handle konflik dalam satu stage tu, the following stage will be badly affected.

And looking back in retrospect, i must've f*#ked up several stages before this since im such a mess now. Growing up, i learned a lot from observations. When my elder brother went into a rebellious era of his life i saw how it affected my parents. I was determined not to do anything that could upset them and later developed this fear of being a disappointment. Bila masuk form 4 result exam semua C,D,E dan ke bawah tapi langsung tak pernah bagitau makbapak sebab taknak jadi anak yang mendukacitakan. Then i struggled through form 5 and manage to get straight A's in SPM. (yes, it is possible for you to flunk form 4 exams and still do well in SPM)

Lepastu sambung belajar medik pun macamtu. I never tell them my results kecuali result yang bagus-bagus je. I never share my problems with my parents due to this fear of being a disappointment. I mean sejak kecik people expect me to do well in everything, the slightest failure pun memang tak boleh tolerate. So can you imagine studying medicine- the most pain in the ass course in the whole wide world without emotional support from anyone? You end up being suicidal or stronger,it can go either way. And thank God, He decided to give me strength.

After a few years down that road i've accepted the fact that the only person you can rely on is yourself. By now you can probably deduce that im having some major trust issues. That is why all this while all my life plans involve only me, and to be frank it's quite hard to include anyone else in that picture. As soon as relationships started getting serious i bailed out, and that's what happen in during my UTP and Dublin days.

And now i think is the right time for me to turn my life around and start to address all these things i avoided in the past. I need to get closer to God because He was the only one there when i needed support. Kadang-kadang terfikir jugak sampai bila nak dok takat tu je. Lepas kahwin bukan setakat jadi imam solat, kena jadi imam dalam menjalani kehidupan jugak. Dalam surah AnNisa' pun ada cakap benda ni.

These thoughts are so overwhelming and i guess it's about time for me to do something about it. But frankly i dont know where to start. All i know is i need to tackle one major issue first;


-need to learn how to cut my own toenails and stop relying on mom to do it for me

-_________-"


31 comments:

FaznFaz said...

owh.... how sweet.... lagi perlu kawen cepat2 so that urusan potong kuku kaki boleh diserahkan pada wife!!! like my husband yg kuku kaki akan jadik macam chipmunk iforgot to potong his kuku kaki!!!

anyhow, life is a learning process all the way.... dun be so hard on yourself... sometimes you just really need to lay back and relax!!!

but i think, all medic students are the same, both my brother n sister looked like zombie the minute they entering year 3/4!!!

u look thin!!!!!! tak cukup makan ke????

Sarah Iman Khairul Azhar said...

InsyaAllah keep moving and searching :)) Get closer to God, He will show you the way ; to marriage and other things too . One day InsyaAllah

fareesya frhn said...

Serious nya post ni..it is hard to build a mosque, but it will be more harder to maintain it. Nak bina masjid ni, imam kene arif. Kalo x masjid senget sebelah. But it will be easy as long as u go back to Allah and put 100% trust on Him. He will be always with u whenever u go.

Iffah Afeefah said...

npe enth aku jd sebak

ahhh kau msti mllui proses kmtgn

itu plg utme

dktk dr ngn Allh sblom dktkn ngn cnte mnusia

rerehalim said...

Fuih hatim. Post kali ni menyentuh kalbu. Tapi the last part tu mcm errr mak potong kuku kaki?-.-

Anyway, Semoga cepat dapat jodoh.

dali said...

akak suke post ni. mcm faham pulak perasaan..(walaupun bukan scorer spm wakaka).. simpan2 masalah2 adalah mendukacitakan.ada kawan pun mcm takde kwn. nak tulis dlm blog krg dia baca pulak--->pitam. tp tim, percayalah,doa ibubapa adalah yg plg mustajab. kalau u buat baik pd dorg, u akan happy selalu.insyaallah..

lynnaiza said...

kahkahkah!punya la penuh perasaan hayati entri ni dari atas sampai bawah,tapiiii..perasaan yang penuh serius dan emosi tadi 'dicemari' dengan gambar potong kuku tersebut.hahaha.terus gelak kekuat dalam hati.adehh.

neway, "..kalau nak bercinta monyet takde matlamat sumpah membazir duit,emosi dan pahala. Jadi perancangan yang jitu itu sungguh penting ya puan-puan.
".. sangat WIN! go go doc! :P

Falahin Farn said...

it's the same things that happen to me except that i cut my own nails :) haha

lynnaiza said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cik maze (: said...

nice entry hatim!
bile family kite kasi high expectation dekat kite, kite akan rasa serba salah sangat kalau tak dapat apa yg diorang nak .
i know how it feels :(

Zinnirah Humaira said...

InsyAllah you'll find ur future Zaujah one day, Allah has planned it for u, trust Him and you'll never regret it :)
btw, the last part is sweet but u are right, should stop relying on your mom :P

Tiara Fazlin said...

hatim nak kawin dah! yeaay!

Anash said...

why tetiba akak mcm baca blog motivasi nih?
but that's a good entry
open-up the mind
widen-up the thought

nak kawen eh en. dokter?
yeay..akak doakan yg terbaik utk anda.

sweet life said...

takpe nnti suruh bini ketipkan kuku kaki.. hehe

emelkhaf said...

Sometimes hearing motivational post like this from u hatim is such a relief because u really are a good observer and a good describer as well.

May Allah ease everything for you and i believe you'll meet your other half, sooner or later it doesnt matter as long as you both complete each other. Cheers!

NajwaZin said...

Hish. Manic depressive disorder bahaya kot! -_-'

[i.l.y.a] said...

:) Ada perasaan rupanya. Ingatkan takde. Hahahaha

Dylla Fadzil said...

the last pic sekali dengan captionnya, i terasa... jugakkk. hahaha fml

Rin said...

Hatim, kuku kaki, g wat pedi la... Sian mak.

cik ungu said...

yang last kli tue terbaik..hahha

hatim a.r said...

@faznfaz:thanks for your advice.no,im nowhere near kurus,you should see me in person haha

@sarah,fareesya,iffah:insyaallah.tapi takde maknanya melalui proses kematangan.mungkin sampai bila-bila perangai macamni haha

@rerehalim:sekali-sekala je ok.kadang2 adik potongkan

@dali:tu sebab tiap kali sebelum exam suruh makbapak doakan

@lynn:yeah mari kita mencarijodoh!

@falahin:ini bonding session ibuanak ok

@cik maze:sobsss

@zinnirah:i know,trust Him.Always

@tiara:motif tiba2 dah nak kahwin?

@anash:saje tukar angin sekali sekala tulis benda2 serius sikit kan..takdela lagho manjang

@sweet life:mungkin boleh start cari jodoh di nail parlour

@emelkhaf:wasnt my intention to write a 'motivational' post.just some self reflection,sekali-sekala kena muhasabah jugak kan

@najwa:he's in remission now haha

@ilya:memang la ada perasaan weh,semua orang berperasaan im just better at hiding mine

@dylla:mari bersama youtube tutorial potong kuku kaki

@rin:jumpa mak setiap 2-3 bulan sekali.haruslah bermanja berlebihan haha.takpe nanti dah kaya boleh bawak mak pergi spa buat pedi hari-hari

@cik ungu:sila try di rumah

the belogegel said...

tacing gler kot entry ni~

Marry me Doc..~ huhu

Dr. Amirah said...

Y U ARE SO THIN! well for us medical student, lagi2 y duduk obersi memang biasa la pk kawen. even i yang nak masuk 3rd year ny pun da start merancang...kalau dah ada orang kenapa nak tunggu lagi kan. :) goodluck on searching ur turning point. :)

syamira zainan said...

nk kawin sekarang pakai myk duet maa.. bg stabil2 dlu bru pk..

~ Cik Azz ~ said...

Kuku kaki mak ko sape lak yang tolong ketipkan..?

Teringat kat arwah makcik jiran sebelah rumah akak ni.. Dia tak sihat sebab ada kencing manis dan darah tinggi.. Pastu anak2 dia tinggal jauh.. Takde yang tinggal dgn dia.. Dia dgn suami dia je..

Selalunya anak dia yg dok KL tu (perempuan) yang potongkan kuku dia kalau balik sini.. Tapi ada satu masa tu anak dia dah lama tak balik.. Maka kuku diapun jadi panjang la..

So, makcik tu panggil akak, mintak tolong potongkan kuku kaki dia.. Kuku tangan dia boleh buat sikit2.. Maka, akakpun tolong la potongkan kuku kaki dia tu.. Memang dah panjang sangat dah kuku tu.. Sejuk je rasa kaki orang tua tu..

Bila dah siap potong, berulang kali dia ucap terima kasih kat akak seolah-olah ianya satu pertolongan yang sangat besar bagi dia.. Sebak lak akak rasa masa tu..

Kuku kaki akak ni tak tau la siapa nak tolong potongkan nanti.. Nampak gayanya jadi kuku rimau la... huhuhu..

buSuk said...

mannn..you are younger than me,yet you are way way wayyy wiser than i am supposed to.huhuu...anyway,congrats n thanks on this post.

nor'aini said...

Kurusnye.cute.hope u jumpe jodoh yg sesuai.amin

AdilaKaman said...

wah kenapa kita sama? my late sister was rebellious too in her younger age. makanya abah selalu mengharap sesuatu dari diri ini. dan setiap kali exam, will always tell them the best part of my grades only. bila dapat sikit, sorokkan, as if nothing happened. -_____-"

hatim a.r said...

@belogegel:amboih

@amirah:insyaallah

@syamira:theres no harm in planning.besides how do you define 'stable'

@cik azz:kuku kaki mak dia potong sendiri la haha

@busuk:no im not.im a child trapped in a 23 year old body

@aini:ini memang tipu.pictures can be deceiving

@adila:middle child syndrome kot

az said...

Been there. I feel you.

xayra ahmad said...

bc belah ats da touching da..smp pic kuku di potong..adoiii..aku da xblh bhenti gelak..sweet plak mak potongkan..