Marriage and Self Reflection

Sebenarnya waktu pergi The Gardens haritu plan asal memang nak makan korean food lepastu blah sebab bila umur dah menginjak senja ni memang dah tak berapa reti nak melepak lama-lama. Tapi a friend of mine came with a shocking news.

He is getting married. (or actually planning to get married)

Bukannya nak kahwin lagi 2 minggu ke hape, planning je baru. Kira agak-agak lepas dah grad bolehlah terus melangkah ke alam pernikahan gitu. Again, mungkin sebab faktor umur yang semakin meningkat bila decide to declare/ have a serious relationship terus bermatlamat ke arah perkahwinan. Sebab by the time grad insyaallah umur dah 25-26,kalau nak bercinta monyet takde matlamat sumpah membazir duit,emosi dan pahala. Jadi perancangan yang jitu itu sungguh penting ya puan-puan.

Walaupun plan nak kahwin ni bagi sesetengah orang biasa je, but since this is coming from a friend who neglected his fish tank after a few months, kept a pet bird for a week and briefly took interest in gardening...it was shocking at first. Maka haruslah post mortem keputusan berani ini dengan lebih mendalam. Lunch korean food ditunda ke tea time untuk memberi laluan sesi meluahkan perasaan di Dome.

It was during this time that i had an epiphany. My friend could've been in a manic-depressive state but he is totally right. Tak lama lagi dah nak start kerja, dah busy, and we are getting older. I really need to get my shit together and grow up. 

-in the middle of explaining my non existent future plan

The fact that people our age ramai gila kahwin/tunang musim cuti sekolah ini menambahkan kegusaran di jiwa. We sat there for quite a while talking about marriage and future plans , something i always try to steer clear of in daily conversations. 

But since one of us was in a lovey dovey mood, lepas habis minum dekat Dome we proceed to....

-yep. kedai pinggan mangkuk dan kedai wedding cake. Hovercraft gila nak kawen lagi 2 taun dah survey harga kek. 

I dont know why lah suddenly it seems like semua orang bercakap pasal kahwin. My grandfather who reminded me to focus on my studies prior to my departure to Ireland sekarang siap tanya 'kamu bila nak kahwin?' no less than 6 times. Dalam hierarki sepupu, i've 3 elder cousins above me so in a way it's like Atuk is urging me to step over 3 benduls -___-" Bawak bersabar dulu Tok.

And i've been doing a lot of self reflection lately. Dalam Psychiatry ada belajar tentang Erik Erikson Developmental Stages. 

Perjalanan hidup kita ni dibahagi kepada beberapa stages, so kalau kita tak berjaya handle konflik dalam satu stage tu, the following stage will be badly affected.

And looking back in retrospect, i must've f*#ked up several stages before this since im such a mess now. Growing up, i learned a lot from observations. When my elder brother went into a rebellious era of his life i saw how it affected my parents. I was determined not to do anything that could upset them and later developed this fear of being a disappointment. Bila masuk form 4 result exam semua C,D,E dan ke bawah tapi langsung tak pernah bagitau makbapak sebab taknak jadi anak yang mendukacitakan. Then i struggled through form 5 and manage to get straight A's in SPM. (yes, it is possible for you to flunk form 4 exams and still do well in SPM)

Lepastu sambung belajar medik pun macamtu. I never tell them my results kecuali result yang bagus-bagus je. I never share my problems with my parents due to this fear of being a disappointment. I mean sejak kecik people expect me to do well in everything, the slightest failure pun memang tak boleh tolerate. So can you imagine studying medicine- the most pain in the ass course in the whole wide world without emotional support from anyone? You end up being suicidal or stronger,it can go either way. And thank God, He decided to give me strength.

After a few years down that road i've accepted the fact that the only person you can rely on is yourself. By now you can probably deduce that im having some major trust issues. That is why all this while all my life plans involve only me, and to be frank it's quite hard to include anyone else in that picture. As soon as relationships started getting serious i bailed out, and that's what happen in during my UTP and Dublin days.

And now i think is the right time for me to turn my life around and start to address all these things i avoided in the past. I need to get closer to God because He was the only one there when i needed support. Kadang-kadang terfikir jugak sampai bila nak dok takat tu je. Lepas kahwin bukan setakat jadi imam solat, kena jadi imam dalam menjalani kehidupan jugak. Dalam surah AnNisa' pun ada cakap benda ni.

These thoughts are so overwhelming and i guess it's about time for me to do something about it. But frankly i dont know where to start. All i know is i need to tackle one major issue first;

-need to learn how to cut my own toenails and stop relying on mom to do it for me

-_________-"

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